One minute your toddler is happily stacking blocks, and the next they are on the floor screaming because the tower fell over. Toddler tantrums can be loud, exhausting, and sometimes embarrassing, especially in public. But they are also a normal part of growing up.
Today, we will look at why tantrums happen, how to prevent many of them, what to do in the moment, and how to turn a hard moment into a chance to teach and connect.
Why Toddlers Have Tantrums
Toddlers feel big emotions long before they have the words or skills to manage them. The part of the brain that controls impulses and calms strong feelings is still developing, so frustration can spill over fast. Common triggers include:
- Being hungry, tired, or overstimulated
- Wanting independence but not yet having the ability
- Not being able to explain what they want or need
- Sudden changes or transitions, like leaving the park
Understanding the reason behind a tantrum helps you respond with empathy instead of frustration. Your toddler is not trying to give you a hard time. They are having a hard time.
Before: Ways to Prevent Many Tantrums
1) Keep routines predictable
Regular times for meals, naps, and bedtime help toddlers feel secure. Plan errands around naps and bring snacks when you head out.
2) Give a warning before transitions
“Two more slides, then it is time for the car.” A simple heads up gives your child time to adjust.
3) Offer small choices
Let your toddler choose between two options you are happy with, like the red cup or the blue cup. Small choices give them a healthy sense of control.
4) Catch them being good
Praise the behavior you want to see. “You waited so patiently for your turn!” Attention for positive behavior is one of the most powerful tools a parent has.
During: How to Respond in the Moment
- Stay calm. Take a slow breath before you respond. Your calm helps your child find theirs.
- Keep everyone safe. Move your child away from anything that could hurt them, and gently stop hitting or throwing.
- Name the feeling. “You are really mad that we have to leave.” Feeling understood helps toddlers settle faster.
- Use few words. A child in the middle of a meltdown cannot process a lecture. Short, soothing phrases work best.
- Hold the limit with kindness. You can comfort your child without giving in to the demand that started the tantrum.
After: Reconnect and Teach
Once your toddler is calm, offer a hug and reconnect. Then, keep the lesson simple. Help them put words to what happened and practice what they can do next time, like saying “I need help” or taking deep “balloon breaths” together. Moments of repair teach children that big feelings are okay and that the relationship is safe.
Scripts You Can Borrow
- “I see you are really upset. I am right here.”
- “You wanted the cookie. The answer is still no, and it is okay to be sad about it.”
- “I will not let you hit. You can stomp your feet instead.”
- “Let’s take a big breath together. Smell the flower, blow out the candle.”
What to Avoid
Spanking, yelling, and shaming may stop a tantrum for the moment, but they teach children that big feelings are dangerous and that the people they love are not safe. Bribes can also backfire by teaching that tantrums pay off. If you find your own temper rising, our anger management tips for parents can help, and our post on positive discipline strategies offers more ideas for setting limits with love.
When to Talk With Your Pediatrician
Most tantrums are a normal part of development and fade as language and coping skills grow. Check in with your child’s doctor if tantrums are happening many times a day, regularly last a very long time, involve your child hurting themselves or others, or continue to be frequent and intense as your child approaches school age.
Nurturing Skills for the Toddler Years
The toddler years are full of big feelings, for children and for parents. The Nurturing Parenting Program for Parents and Their Infants, Toddlers and Preschoolers helps families build empathy, set age appropriate expectations, and use positive discipline that strengthens the bond between parent and child. With patience and the right tools, tantrums can become moments that teach your child how to handle big feelings for years to come.
Looking for more support? The Child Welfare Information Gateway offers free resources for parents, caregivers, and professionals.